CONFESSIONAL – Mary Jane French

INT. CONFESSIONAL BOOTH–DAY

KATE [20, straightlaced, incredibly Catholic] enters the confessional. There is a PRIEST on the other side of the partition. Kate crosses her chest. 

KATE

Bless me father for I have sinned

PRIEST

What are your sins my child? 

KATE

Well… I’ve had premarital sex. 

PRIEST

Oh, is that all? 

KATE

Well isn’t that a pretty major sin? 

PRIEST

I suppose so, it’s just that we hear that one all the time these days. What sort of premarital sex are you having anyway? 

KATE

What kind? I don’t know, it’s sex! 

PRIEST

So pretty vanilla stuff then? 

KATE

I don’t know if I’d call it vanilla persay! 

PRIEST 

In what way was it not vanilla?

KATE

Well it was with a girl for one! 

PRIEST

Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. Tell me more, child. 

KATE

Well, I mean it was my first time, so it was pretty standard I guess? Her hair smelled nice?

PRIEST

Boring! 

KATE

I mean, I’ve been having all these sinful thoughts though! 

PRIEST

…go on… 

KATE

Well. so this time around I didn’t really have the guts to follow through on it, but usually when I notice a girl, I really just wanna tie them up!

PRIEST

Okay, we’re getting somewhere now. Keep going. 

KATE

Okay, so ya see. I just want more than anything to tie them up, and gag them and call them sluts! Surely those are sinful enough thoughts! 

The priest is scribbling notes on a pad

PRIEST

Oh most certainly. Do fifty hail marys and this card has a website that can teach you how to safely tie a knot. 

The priest hands a business card through a crack in the mesh screen. 

INT. MEETING ROOM–DAY

There is a circle of chairs all with priests in them. The one from the confessional begins speaking. 

PRIEST

I am happy to report that negging the congregates during confession is working wonderfully! They’re really giving me some great material for my pilot script! 

INT. CONFESSIONAL–DAY

TED, a larger gentleman enters the confessional. The same priest is on the other side of the mesh screen. 

TED

Bless me father for I have sinned. 

PRIEST

What are your sins my child? 

TED

I just can’t seem to stop overeating, I guess. 

PRIEST

Really? Gluttony? Is that the only sin you’ve got? I don’t know if you’ve noticed but you’re in the US. Gluttony is a given. 

TED

Oh… Well… I wasn’t planning to go into this, but I have been embezzling from my job. 

PRIEST

And?

TED

And I’ve been doing some insider trading…

We can hear the priest making notes on the pad. 

PRIEST

Oh yeah, that’s good stuff. Come to Padre.

Mary Jane French is Standup Comedian/Writer/Podcaster from Richmond, Virginia. She is the Co-Host of the podcast/Live show Femmes The Rules as well as the podcast Upstream With Jimmy and Midge. She has performed on festivals across the U.S. including SF Sketchfest and The Cafe Fear Comedy Festival.