Shawn Berman

When My Significant Other of Five Years Told Me That They Had Never Seen An Adam Sandler Movie My Head Nearly Exploded On The Spot

it’s not that i couldn’t fathom that they had never watched the sandman pack his lunch to go back to school

or suit up to win the biggest golfing tourney in the history of the sport—

it’s just that i felt like our relationship was built on a golden throne of filthy lies.

sure, in hindsight it’s no big deal—like who cares that they haven’t spent many a nights cozied up enjoying a comedic genius, ya?

who cares that the hanukkah song means nothing to them.

wrong.

it’s a huge deal

because right now it’s sandler movies

but

in the future it could be adultery or murder or something even worse—even bigger,

like finding out that our bank account has been completely drained because they couldn’t stop paying people to water their flowers for them in animal crossing.

and i’m just saying that’s a chance i literally cannot take at this point in my life

so i might as well just change my name

run away to some remote town off the coast of cape cod

and start fresh.

maybe open a septum piercing stand

or an etsy store that turns people’s pets into funko pops.

who knows

i might just end up making a small fortune

and it’s a risk i’m willing to take.