When My Significant Other of Five Years Told Me That They Had Never Seen An Adam Sandler Movie My Head Nearly Exploded On The Spot
it’s not that i couldn’t fathom that they had never watched the sandman pack his lunch to go back to school
or suit up to win the biggest golfing tourney in the history of the sport—
it’s just that i felt like our relationship was built on a golden throne of filthy lies.
sure, in hindsight it’s no big deal—like who cares that they haven’t spent many a nights cozied up enjoying a comedic genius, ya?
who cares that the hanukkah song means nothing to them.
it’s a huge deal
because right now it’s sandler movies
in the future it could be adultery or murder or something even worse—even bigger,
like finding out that our bank account has been completely drained because they couldn’t stop paying people to water their flowers for them in animal crossing.
and i’m just saying that’s a chance i literally cannot take at this point in my life
so i might as well just change my name
run away to some remote town off the coast of cape cod
and start fresh.
maybe open a septum piercing stand
or an etsy store that turns people’s pets into funko pops.
i might just end up making a small fortune
and it’s a risk i’m willing to take.
Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. Some of his recent work has appeared or is forthcoming in Hobart, Rejection Letters, and Little Old Lady Comedy. Follow him on Twitter @sbb_writer.